Monday, April 15, 2013

Two less lonely people

After the demise of my late fiancee, I started to implement "close door" policy.  I find it difficult to open up to people and and let anyone really get to know me.  I begin to appreciate the "me time with myself" and thus, I do not see the need to be acquinted to anybody.

I do have some close friends and I really appreciate them for helping me to pull my act together and stand on my feet again.  Then again, I still enjoy the feeling of being a lone ranger, doing things that I never had the chance to do before.  I remember that when I was mourning, there was this one guy (relative of my late fiancee) that had been calling me on regular basis, asking how was I coping and he did ask me to go out with him.   Luckily, though I was mourning, I still can think straight enough to just decline his request.  Then, he stopped calling me till today, thank God!

Somehow early this year, someone whom I have known for the past few years, get to be in contact with me.  After chatting with him, he told me that he is now a divorcee.  He divorced his wife last year, on the reason of there is no understanding and suitability for each other.

It caught me by surprise after knowing his divorce.  We have been communicating on regular basis and I do feel comfortable talking to him.  Of late I realise, he is trying his best to get to know me better, in short, trying to be really close to me.  I notice of late that his messages are getting more personal (itu pun delayed by few days, baru aku faham maksud message2 dia tu).  I pretend like I dont understand whatever the in between lines. 

Maybe we are two lonely people whom are connected to each other by situation.  Now, I tend to "chicken out" with the latest development.  I am comfortable with what I have now, and I find it really difficult to open up, more so to accept someone new in my life now.  I am still hesitating as to whether should I give him a chance to get to know me better or should I just go with the flow.  I try not to think about it too much.....I am busy now with my office work, that could drag till July this year.

As for now, I have to admit that I do need someone to be there for shoulder to cry on, my companion whom I could share my deepest secrets, my views, and my stories.......and after almost 4 years of being alone, I find more difficult to open up to anyone new (though I must say, there is someone whom I have known for years, is always there for me, maybe).  Some of my friends told me, give him a fair chance but how can I do it when I myself feels I'm not that ready with the latest development? 

Where do I go from here?  To still be in contact with him could mislead him into believing that our feelings are mutual, which is not. 

Sebenarnya, aku takut untuk kecewa lagi......aku tak mau bersedih lagi........aku tak mau hati ku luka lagi.....not for now......

Nota kaki:  One of my friends say this to me "kenapa perlu ditunggu yg tak pasti perasaannya terhadap kamu....kamu ibarat menunggu buah yg tak jatuh.  Yg ada depan mata, kenapa harus kamu tolak?"  People can say whatever they wanna say, but finally, it's up to me to decide what's best for me.....

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